I have so much to say.

I have so much to say.

But, sometimes I don’t. And… by sometimes, I mean a large percentage of the time.

Often, it depends on the scope of the week – how many people I’ve interacted with, how much energy I’ve expelled and if the topic at hand warrants any feedback from me at all.

But, the very worst is when I have so much to say, but I cannot physically form the words.

This doesn’t happen as often as it used to, but if it’s a really busy work week or if I have interacted with large groups of people for more than a few days in a row – I turn inward. And, it’s SO hard to keep it from happening once that snowball is down the hill.

I’m in this place this week.

Monday and Tuesday were long work days filled with what seemed like 23,593 things. I collapsed on my couch as soon as I walked through the door Tuesday night, and I knew it was going to be hard to get through the rest of the week. That’s kind of a tough realization when it’s only Tuesday.

Wednesday came with its own litany of issues and here I am on a Thursday – just waiting for a glimpse of Friday to appear. I don’t find myself here as often as I used to, but when it happens – I damn near shut down completely.

Conversations are attempted, but they are often met with blank stares and some nodding that I can only hope gesture the right thing. Of course, when it doesn’t – I get really in my feelings because adding guilt for being low on energy to actually being low on energy makes PERFECT SENSE.

Growing pains.

This kind of stuff happened ALL OF THE TIME when I was in high school. But, I didn’t realize “it” had a name until college.

I never thought I was broken, I just thought I was different. I didn’t have the same boundary-pushing, eagerness to be the life of the party or to be around large crowds of people.

It was nothing for me to spend a Friday night walking around a bookstore for what seemed like hours, only to pick up dinner and head back to my room to settle in for the night.

I wasn’t depressed or shy (I’ve never been one to not say what I think if it’s warranted), I just had a hard time being around people after too much interaction in the days before.

In college, that meant classroom time and extra-curricular activities. When you live on campus, you’re surrounded by people always. My weekends spent alone were the result of all of that interactivity throughout the week.

Somewhere between my freshman and sophomore year, I took an introvert/extrovert assessment. It came with a lot of language to read and I was enamored that there were words and reasonings that described me to a T.

I was very clearly, without a shadow of a doubt, an introvert.

The path forward.

It wasn’t a lightbulb moment or anything, but it did give me a benchmark to use as guidance. And as I continued my way through school with a deeper understanding for how I gained and used my social energy, social situations weren’t as hard and I didn’t feel [as] guilty for being alone when I needed to.

But more than that, it allowed me a more introspective opportunity to learn how to work with others who are and aren’t like me.

Truth be told – I feel like I’ve adapted, somewhat well, to a very extroverted career path with a very introverted approach. I also seem to frequently be adopted by extroverts, and often I’m met with:  “There’s no way you are an introvert.”

Therein lies the irony… This is a perfect example of a moment when I have so much to say about a topic I’ve come to be decently educated about, but I won’t.

The reality is that my internal dialogue is going 100 miles a minute about how you probably don’t care about all of the research and studies – or the characteristics of what an “introvert” really is. I will go back and forth over whether this conversation requires the energy needed to convince, educate or defend.

This has nothing to do with the person asking the question, and everything to do with how I have to be protective over how I spend energy.

I am required to use words and visual imagery to be successful in my job. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy. So, this dilemma of energy depletion can completely wreck my world…. If I let it.

So, I cage a lot of it. Seems like the responsible approach, right?

I pick my battles and I push through the harder parts. And during weeks like this week, I fake it until I make it.

What you don’t see is how I crash as soon as I walk through the door or how I will sit in my car in my driveway – in the dark. Because for even just 10 minutes or however long it takes, I can just be still.

Regardless of how well I toe that line, some weeks come out swinging before I can stand up and Friday is a perfect picture of a sloth crossing a finish line.  

Improvising, just to adapt and overcome.

Over the years, I’ve had to learn very hard lessons about what it really means for my “charm batteries” to be depleted and what I need to do to be recharged. But, it’s still not easy.

I struggle daily with being a professional communicator – who also wants to not communicate at all.

Case in point – this week.

Godspeed to the people that have interacted with me before 7 a.m. this week or who I saw in the grocery store but said nothing to.

However drained I end up being, professional and personal growth comes from learning what it means to do what is best for me.

Sometimes that means I forego my 5:30 a.m. wakeup call to be in the gym for an extra hour of sleep, and sometimes it means I sit on my couch and pretend I have zero adult responsibilities while watching hours of mindless television.

On Wednesday, I did the first; and this weekend, I plan to do the second.

I know, for me, that resting and recharging is what I need to not be a crappy human being who forever seems to not have enough coffee.

Because at the end of the day – I can’t go and do for others if I don’t do for myself.

And if there has ever been a bigger lesson for me to learn in my 30s, it’s been that one.