Southern & Single

This post first appeared on an older blog in September 2015 and was republished by a local paper when I began writing a re-occurring column. It was a catalyst for a lot of writing that followed and I wanted it to permanently live here.

I live in Mississippi, I am 28 and I am not married. I can easily jump into a ditty about Southern expectations, but I’d rather tell you a quick story.

Last year, I joined a Bunco group. For those not familiar: this game involves high-octave shrieking when one wins a round, cackling conversation, drinks and food. Our group is hilariously fun to be around, and I enjoy playing for the company and conversation. Maybe not so much the squealing that comes with a perfect roll of the die, but I digress!

We’ve been together for a little over a year, but sticking with it was a rocky start for me. During my first encounter, I was placed at a table full of people I didn’t know. My introverted anxieties would normally be paramount in this situation, but they were quieted with a glass of wine (clearly, I’m easy to please). I can enjoy a good social hour just like the next person, but I have a hard time with small talk. I don’t hate it, but I usually have to get myself to a place where I can feel comfortable with it. Alas, there was no time and the niceties began before I could do such a thing. The girl to my right began asking questions.

What’s your name? Oh good. Easy. I can handle that.

So are you married? What? Wait. Why is that a question? I shook my head. I saw her eyes dart down at my empty ring finger, and then she rallied for a third question.

Oh, so what’s your boyfriend do? Why are any of these questions appropriate? We aren’t friends. I don’t even remember what she said her name was. I quickly muttered, “I’m not in a relationship,” and kicked back the rest of that glass.

The first three questions weren’t enough, she pressed on: Oh really? Why not? Someone… please rescue me. Would everyone think I’m a lush if I went for a second glass? It’s only been five minutes. 

My resting face is somewhere on a scale of sadness/uninterested and “WTH?” I can only imagine what nonverbal I was sending her, but I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. Thankfully the game began shortly after the final question was asked.

Our group laughs about this story now, and no one can recall who sat at my table that night (we’ve had several drop off since those initial months). She is a mystery, but her questions – those! Those will live on forever.

While maybe the perception, marriage by 23 and children by 25 isn’t the norm for everyone. Those things aren’t bad if that’s the route you choose (and many of my dearest friends have), but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

After my current relationship began, I had a conversation with a friend. He said, “I’m kinda surprised. I didn’t think you dated.”

Wait. What?

He also received a blank stare, but I like him so I let him explain.”You don’t seem like one of those girls who ‘needs’ to be with a guy.” He continued to explain that he thought I was more focused on my career and that my priorities were different.

Oh.

Without a doubt, I have been very career-focused. I was ready for college in the 9th grade, and I was ready to hit the real world shortly after. I don’t fold clothes very well and vacuuming puzzles the hell out of me, but my career? That’s always been the non-negotiable. Those goals have been the driving force between point A and B. Because of them, I’ve achieved a lot in a short period of time and I’ve been able to travel a lot.

With the “I am an independent woman, hear me roar” talk out of the way, let’s be real. Being career-oriented doesn’t mean I don’t want to settle down and be married.

Hasty generalization or not, I think everyone wants to feel wanted and to be in a relationship where they share their life with someone else. It’s human nature, but I don’t think it’s something to rush (not that all do).

When I was 25, I didn’t think two seconds about not buying a house because I wasn’t married. I learned way more than I imagined through that process. And one day, I’ll be able to use that experience when I sit next to the poor guy who feels like putting up with me for the rest of our lives – as we sign papers on a new home, together.

I’ve always leaned heavily on the fact that everything happens for a reason and in its own time. One day, that time will be my time. But until then? I am pretty happy with living a very full life, and checking off boxes on my ever-long bucket list (like Ireland again in 2016). I enjoy life with people I love and I laugh A LOT. Relationships are great, but they don’t run on a timeline.

Who knows? Maybe things will change when I figure out how to wrangle the vacuum cleaner or actually fold clothes instead of letting them hang out in the dryer for eternity!